


stay high (to keep you off my mind)

by movingforthesakeofmotion



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, I'm sorry don't hate me, Major character death - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 03:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8188081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/movingforthesakeofmotion/pseuds/movingforthesakeofmotion
Summary: It doesn't take long, Erin thinks. They were bound to lose someone eventually, and Erin always loses the people she loves.Holtzbert, but this is sad cause I'm trash, I'M SORRY.





	

It doesn’t take long, Erin thinks.

She had a feeling they were bound to lose someone eventually. Her life has always been about losing the things she loves.

She lost her parents trust, and their love, when she told them a ghost was haunting her and they didn’t believe her.

She lost Abby when she decided that the book wasn’t worth her losing all credibility and sanity. 

And now she’s lost Jillian Holtzmann.

It’s so stupid, and so ridiculous, because it could’ve been stopped.

Erin’s attention slips for just one second and she’s suddenly being grabbed and almost thrown out of a window before Holtzmann comes charging in and…

Erin downs another shot of tequila and holds her hand up to signal for another.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, lady?”

“I’m paying you, what’s the big deal?” She slurs, throwing down another ten dollar bill. The guy rolls his eyes and takes her money before smacking down a shot of tequila onto the table and Erin drinks it with shaking hands and bile rising in the back of her throat, which is burned down with the alcohol.

She fucked up. And now Holtzmann is dead, and Abby hates her. 

She doesn’t know where Patty stands, but she probably hates her, too.

Everyone hates her.

Because she killed Jillian Holtzmann.

And everyone loved Jillian Holtzmann.

She loved Jillian Holtzmann.

Erin feels tears build in her eyes and she slowly stands from her seat, the world spinning around her as she looks up at the bartender.

“I’m…I’m gonna go home now.” She tries to say, but the bartender is looking at her in confusion so she doesn’t think it came out right.

“Bye.” Is all she says. She makes her way to the door, but the alcohol is affecting her well and truly now, and she can barely walk in a straight line as she throws the door open and steps out into the cold air. 

Her home is only a block away from here, so she walks cautiously, all the while blinking back tears as memories hit her like a floodgate opening and washing through her.

Holtzmann’s incessant flirting, those yellow glasses that always dangled from her ear and that unruly hair that never stayed flat, even when she wore it down, and god, did she look gorgeous when she wore it down…

The first time Holtzmann asked her out on a date. And Erin had said no, thinking she was joking, until she finally plucked up the courage to agree.

How their date had ended in a kiss, and how it had led to more…the feel of Holtzmann’s fingers brushing against her skin so lightly, so delicately, like she was made of feathers…

She wants these memories gone, fuck…

She shoves her key into the door of her apartment on the first floor and practically collapses on the floor, her heart aching and her head pounding.

Holtzmann threw herself at that ghost and fell out of a window eight stories high to her death and that fucking ghost didn’t even get captured.

It was all for nothing. All for fucking nothing. 

And what the hell does Erin have to show for it? It’s been four weeks and all Erin’s done is get drunk to numb the pain that’s taking over her whole body slowly but surely. She hasn’t been to the firehouse since the funeral, and Abby hasn’t bothered to call her, which tells her that she’s not missed.

She’s all alone.

All she had was Holtzmann and now she’s gone.

_“Erin Gilbert, I don’t say this often, but I think I have enough balls in me now to say that I love you. I’m in love with you, and I just need you to know that.”_

“Holtz...” It comes out as a pathetic whimper and Erin hates herself for it, but she can’t move past her fetal position on the floor because it’s the only thing that stops her heart from aching. 

Half of her has been waiting, hoping, praying that Holtzmann would come back as a ghost. That she could just feel something that told her that Holtzmann was still here with her.

But nothing.

Holtzmann had moved on, clearly with no unfinished business to be lingering around for and Erin wasn’t sure what broke her heart more: the fact that Holtzmann really was gone or the fact that she decided Erin wasn’t worth sticking around for.

_She’d kill you for thinking like that and you know it._

But she’s dead. She’s dead and she’s not coming back and that’s on her...god, that’s on her.

The world is still spinning around her and she tries to crawl over to couch, but every time she attempts to move, her body crumbles in on itself and pain explodes throughout her whole body, so instead she stays in her ball, her breathing erratic and her heart aching and the thoughts of Holtzmann’s dimpled smile running through her mind. 

“I love you, I’m sorry, I love you...”

She should know that nothing she says or does will bring Holtzmann back, but she finds comfort in these words, so she repeats them to herself over and over again until she falls into a restless slumber.

She knows she’ll wake up the next morning with a hangover.

But she also knows she’ll wake up to repeat this process all over again tomorrow night.

Because even if Holtzmann would hate her for it, this is how she copes.

This is how she copes with losing the woman she loves. 

Alcohol and crying and more alcohol and more crying, and being unable to move, and crying, and more alcohol...

It’s become her routine now, really.

She remembers Holtzmann dancing to ‘Rhythm of the Night’ by DeBarge, and Erin finds herself singing it softly under her breath, and that’s when she feels it.

Something touches the small of her back and she sits up, the world spinning, but her mind focused as she looks around her in shock.

“Holtzmann?” She breathes. There’s no response, no cold air, no whispers...nothing.

It’s then that Erin notices the pillow that’s fallen off the couch and the realization hits her that it’s not Holtzmann that touched her, and she crawls back onto the floor, no tears falling this time, her heart too broken to do anymore crying.

Because Holtzmann is dead. Gone.

And Erin Gilbert is right back to where she was before she met Jillian Holtzmann, before the Ghostbusters...

All alone.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry don't hate me, please.


End file.
